When life hands you lemons, toss them in the trash and eat cake

Archive for the tag “2012”

Rabbit Holes and Gratitude Lists

Note: Sarcastic, funny Audrey has taking the day off today. She is slated to return tomorrow.


I feel like I’m taking another free-fall into the rabbit hole, but I’ve managed to cling onto one of the twisty roots along the side and I can still see light filtering in above me. Fuck this, I am not hitting the bottom again. There may be cute chipmunks down at the bottom of this hole, but there are also cute chipmunks outside of the rabbit hole. See? See how cute they are in the sunlight OUTSIDE the rabbit hole?

I don’t really know what the hell is wrong with me. I can’t seem to get a grip. The start of 2012 was tough: a lot of old feelings resurfaced and as I sat alone on New Year’s Eve, I realized I still miss H I M, NEB, aka emergency exit parachuting dude. I rang in 2009, 2010 and 2011 with him, and I had no reason to believe 2012 would be spent without him. I suppose the non-depressed side of me could turn that notion on its head and say “Thank god you’re not spending another year with him.” Some days, though, I’m just not there yet. Some days, I feel terribly alone. And paralyzed.

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COL Letter: I want a refund for 2011

NOTE FROM AUTHOR: This is the first in a series of Crotchety Old Lady (COL) complaint letters, which I will write from time to time as life experiences and subject matter merit. My first COL letter was written in 2003 following a horrific trip on Delta, and it is a favorite among my friends. (Second best letter was sent to McDonald’s after purchasing their “new organic” coffee, which tasted like burnt mold.)

Dear 2011 Customer Service Representative:

I would like a refund for my 2011 flight (departing 1/1/2011, arriving 1/31/11). Perhaps a free first-class trip to Ireland or Italy would suffice, as long as you don’t seat me next to a 350-pound woman with halitosis (who won’t stop talking to me) or two kids watching Toy Story on their laptop loudly, with no headphones. Instead, I want to be seated next to someone funny or cute, like David Sedaris or John Cusack. That said, what I really want is a full cash refund for 2011 and the promise that my 2012 flight won’t be as crappy.

When you sold me this overpriced ticket, you promised me great things: A lovely trip with a non-commitment-phobic boyfriend I love (with first-class accommodations and plenty of legroom), happiness (in lieu of being coked out on three different anti-depressants for Major Depressive Disorder), and a normal family, finally. What a load of crap you sold me; lies, all lies.

The flight was smooth in January, albeit with storm clouds on the horizon. In early February, we made an emergency landing in a snowstorm and were stuck on the tarmac in Buffalo for six hours. With no heat. By the fourth hour, my now-ex-boyfriend (NEB) freaked out, opened the emergency exit door and disappeared into a haze of  snowflakes. I have no idea where he went and didn’t hear from him for a month.

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