When life hands you lemons, toss them in the trash and eat cake

An update to Happy Birthday to Me

You know it’s going to be a good day when you have to wrestle a used condom out of your dog’s mouth during the morning walk. It was on the lawn of a neighboring apartment building. Did they have sex on the lawn or in a car or did they fling it out of one the apartment windows? I’ll never know, nor do I really want to. I hope it was good, though.

Anyway, I’ve been rereading a couple of old posts from last Fall, and I’ve been laughing and sometimes crying. The one that stands out to me the most is my Crazy Cake inaugural post, Happy Birthday to Me. I wrote that post 21 days after the breakup; I’m already a different person than I was then. So in the spirit of realizing that things never turn out as expected, I’ve provided current updates to my original list.


#1 – October 2011: I can go three days without showering (but need to wash my hair only every four days). Not sure if all my friends and neighbors would agree…but I promise not to judge if they ever choose to curl up in a ball and eschew bathing.

June 2012: As evidenced by my recent post, I’ve whittled successive non-showering days down to two. Hair washing frequency has also improved. Progress!


#2 – October 2011: Vodka is NOT food group. Neither are Cheetoes. I don’t think I can look at a martini or powdery yellow salty snack EVER again. Tomorrow I start training for a 5K!

June 2012: What optimistic blather I typed above. Before cutting back my drinking to practically nothing and jumping on the yellow puffy snack wagon 2 months ago, I had stared down the barrel of the Gray Goose and Cheetoes gun many times. I have not trained for, nor run a 5K. But, I have started doing Pilates again. Again, progress.


#3 – October 2011: My friends rule the world. So does my family (even though they sometimes put the crazy in the icing on top of the crazy cake).

June 2012: Hahahaha. Sorry. Yes, my family is definitely still crazy and entertaining. I do love them despite all the emotional and guilt-laden shenanigans. As for friends, I’ve reconnected with old dear ones and even several people here in Providence with whom I had lost touch. I will never take for granted their kindness and unconditional love. Others have fallen away, sort of disappeared. I don’t know if they were afraid, disgusted, tired of my apathy toward life and my inability to be a good friend, and/or dealing with their own difficult stuff (like me). Like the condom’s origins, I will probably never know.


#4 – October 2011: Everyone should have a pet. The unconditional love attached to a warm nose and gentle eyes won’t immediately cure a broken heart, but it sure helps a helluva lot.

June 2012: No change on this. If you don’t have one, get thee to the local animal shelter today.


#5 – October 2011: Exercise is a natural anti-depressant.

June 2012: I still agree. And that’s why I’m still a little depressed.


#6 – October 2011: Unpacking after packing/reversing a move S U C K S. And anyone who causes that sort of pain is just not a nice person.

June 2012: I haven’t had to unpack/pack again, so that’s good. And no, he is not a nice person, although I’ve forgiven him, finally. Forgiveness is freeing.


#7 – October 2011: Human beings can surprise you in bad ways — and in really amazing ways.

June 2012: Mostly relates to #3 above; friends have been so kind or not so nice. (My favorite is someone telling me 12 hours after NEB dumped me that I was a terrible friend to both her and another mutual friend. Think you could’ve waited until I was finished crying on your shoulder? Maybe given me 24-72 hours to choke down my new reality before reading me the riot act? Thankfully she is no longer in my life.) My brother also surprised us all in a good way – by finally deciding to divorce his wife. She surprised me (well not really) in a bad way by announcing it on Facebook.


#8  – October 2011: Watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey and the Kardashians makes me feel like I’m a good human being.

June 2012: I leave the TV on more for background noise these days. And cable is going buh-bye now that I am soon to be unemployed.


#9 – October 2011: Stupid boys suck.

June 2012: Still do, but I haven’t run into any lately, thank god. And gay boyfriends definitely don’t suck. And wow, as I was blogging, I just got hit on for the first time in about five years. Guess the guy is a chubby chaser. And he’s like 82 years old.


#10October 2011: I will find you someday, whoever you are, wherever you are. And you won’t be a sucky stupid boy.

June 2012: I had the crack pipe firmly gripped in one hand while typing (with my free hand) the crap directly above. You know, I just don’t know anymore. I might be okay being alone for the rest of my life. And for the time being, it has to be okay: I need to focus on my own shit right now, and it’s unfair to drag anyone through that mud with me.


#11 – October 2011: Tis better to have loved and lost than… oh never mind. That’s just stupid bullcrap some Hallmark card writer pulled out of his you-know-what.

June 2012: Ha! There’s the girl I know and love!

Single Post Navigation

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: