When life hands you lemons, toss them in the trash and eat cake

Hurricane names I’d like to see

Yippeee. It’s Memorial Day. I’m feeling MUCH better than yesterday, due in large part to a friend’s generosity of spirit and the healing power of movement. More about that later this week, as I re-embark on a Pilates regiment, something that worked for me before and that I hope will be one of the next pieces in the puzzle of getting back on track.

So it’s Memorial Day, and you know what that means? Hurricane season is right around the corner – the official start is June 1, but we’ve already seen two named storms: Alberto and now Beryl (which in all honesty sounds like a god-awful ventriloquist act).

LIVE FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY! 6pm at the Knotty Pine Lodge!! Alberto and Beryl play with puppets!!! No COVER CHARGE!!!!!

Sigh. Can we please come up with some better monikers? Names that do justice (or lend irony) to these powerful forces of nature? Growing up in Florida and suffering through more hurricanes than I can count, I know they are killers, destroyers — and if we’re lucky — just minor annoyances. I respect them, we have no control over where they go or their strength. So, if anything, let’s have a little fun with their names, shall we?

To prove my point, here’s a sampling of the crap we have to work with this year, following good ol’ Al and Beryl:

  • Debby: All I can think of is that she does (and hits) Dallas. Nuff said.
  • Florence: As in Henderson. No self-respecting hurricane should remind me of Carol Brady.
  • Kirk: William Shatner, go back to the U.S.S Enterprise, please. Or those creepy Priceline commercials — and stay out of the Caribbean.
  • Patty: Seriously? I have a goldfish named Patty.
  • Tony: Mafia boss or pizzeria name. Inappropriate for any storm with sustained winds of over 39 mph.
  • Valerie: My sister’s name is off limits.

Soooo…drum roll please…here are my suggestions for some hurricane names, in lieu of the lame ones obviously being pulling from TV show credits and/or The Most Popular Baby Names of 1954 book:

  • Apple: Stupid as a kid’s name. Funny for a hurricane.
  • Badass: No explanation needed.
  • Captain Marvel: Who says a hurricane can’t be named after a superhero?
  • Demolisher: Let’s just call it what it is.
  • Eeyore: Sad little creature who I admittedly have a soft spot for. Maybe having a hurricane named after him will boost his non-existent self-esteem.
  • Fajita: Chilis could do a corporate sponsorship on this one. Buy stock before this one hits!
  • Gummy Bear: What’s with the food references? I need to go eat lunch. (But I would pay big money to hear Brian Williams say on-air, “Gummy Bear is fast approaching the coast and promises to pack a huge punch.”)
  • Jazzy: Upbeat and fun. Makes me want to do my jazz hands.
  • Maddyissonn: Let’s take an overused kid’s name and give it a stupid spelling. Tada! Perfect storm name!
  • Precious: A hurricane you just want to swaddle in a Baby Bjorn and rock back and forth.
  • Sparkles: Hopefully this one will only be a mild tropical depression. A cat 5 named Sparkles would just be wrong.
  • (A Can of) Whoop-Ass: In case Badass turns out to be a dud, we’ll put this one in our back pocket.

Any suggestions for other names? Leave me a comment, please.

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3 thoughts on “Hurricane names I’d like to see

  1. PushDumpFatButton on said:

    Reblogged this on Push Dump Fat Button.

  2. Sparkles would also fit on a list of stripper names.

  3. I’m all for celebrity names: Hurricane Conan O’Brien, Tropical Depression MC Hammer, Hurricane Brangelina, Typhoon Pippa, etc.

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